It’s four days into summer break and it’s been four days of rain and gray. Which keeps all the four inside with me with no open spaces to vent their considerable energy. I directed some of that energy into cleaning projects. While de-junking the boys’ room we unearthed three library books and a bevy of orphaned socks. We had a great shoe trying-on-athon and managed to part with the scrappiest of broken velcro sandals. School papers were purged and backpacks cleaned out, and I felt I could exhale a bit.
I can’t sing any worship song these days without blubbering. We’ve visited many churches but have yet to find that peaceful certainty from God that “this one” is “it”. Oddsfish though, in all this uncertainty and bumbling, my faith is strengthening. I feel it like a firm floor beneath my feet, sure and steady. It comes as the whispered assurance daily, “You are held. God knows. He is in control. Trust.”
It isn’t logical; that my faith would be stronger in the midst of disconnect with the Body, disconnect with our beloved vocation of overseas missionary work. But so it is.
I’d always heard that perfume is made of potently stinky (and disgusting) ingredients. That smelled full strength they’d near knock you over, but at a certain dilution they round out a sweetness, a freshness, a zing. In there is castoreum, a product of a castor beaver’s genital scent sac. Or musk, a sexual secretion of the male musk deer. Or ambergris, which is, simply, whale vomit. But put together, at the right dilutions, in the master hand of a perfumer, something altogether surprising and pleasant is made.
So in the oddest of ways, via suffering and flagging hope, disappointment and heartache, my faith and trust in my heavenly Father have grown. This is both a mystery and a grace.