“Hurry is not of the devil; hurry is the devil.” -Carl Jung
Six kids?!? You must be SO BUSY!
It’s said with wonder, with a smile, and nodding knowingness. Everyone’s busy, so I must be doubly, or triply, so with such a sizable family. Despite every inclination to just leave it at that, I cannot seem to help my contradictory self. “I’m really not. We live an intentionally slower-paced life with few outside commitments.” This does not compute generally with whomever I’m making small talk. But, it’s okay, they have to run anyways; busy day ahead!
I learned a new word the other day as I read You Are What You Love by James Smith: telos. A Greek noun, it means an end, purpose, or goal; an ultimate aim. He writes convincingly that our telos affects everything, even if it’s not what we think it is. What do we really aim at? What do we really love? We may think that we’d love to have a beautiful and healthy body, but our true telos may have more to do with the tasty pleasure of eating donuts and the comfort of sedentary habits.
I wondered; what do I love? What am I aiming my life towards? And what is my techne (another Greek word, meaning our rational method in accomplishing our aim) for getting there? And why is the techne that is assumed to be universal a breathless and harried busyness? What telos requires such haste and incessant activity?
A baby is born and the parents begin to dutifully schedule portrait sessions, play dates, and provide heaps of stimulating “educational” toys. There’s childcare to arrange, and baby is bundled up and ready for the day before the sun rises. Life is a series of being dropped off and picked up, shuttled about from car seat to stroller to car seat to bed. As toddlerhood approaches the parents feel this unsettling pressure; will their child be ready for preschool? Which preschool is best? Maybe a parent will pick up another job to pay tuition at a promising one. This is only the beginning, but the telos is in full swing, the techne chugging along doggedly. The comforting thing is that everyone else looks just as frantic, just as hurried, just as worried. Until one attempts to commiserate with an odd duck like me, that is.
As the child enters elementary school he will be shuttled from school to after school care, to music lessons, to sports practices, to youth events at church, to karate, to dance, etc. I know many families who only eat dinner together about once a week due to various activities that keep them orbiting the home, landing at different intervals for a hurried snack and a change of uniform. Saturdays and Sundays are not exempt from this quick, packed lifestyle. The two most common words associated with this time of life when I speak with my peers are “busy” and “stress”. What is the end, the telos, of all this hustle?
A well-rounded adolescent, with success in one or many specializations, be they academic, musical, or sports-related, and a promising list of accomplishments to be listed on college applications? Perhaps. I think the telos reaches further as soon as they get accepted to a college; that they’ll pick an impressive major (or double major preferably); that they’ll graduate with honors, that they’ll land a lucrative and fulfilling job, that they’ll meet an equally impressive mate, and that they then can start a family. Having that baby, then the parents can bring their telos to bear on that child; schedule the portraits, buy the Baby Einstein books, get the ball rolling towards laudable success.
This telos demands an incredible amount of busyness. Such investment in the success of our offspring has never before been seen in history. Family life has become bewilderingly child-centric, parents giving up their own interests and pursuits as they struggle just to meet the demands of their childrens’ schedules. Is the cost worth it? If you’re not willing to pay the price, can your children still have a chance at a successful life? And what of your own life? Can it be enjoyed or is it too laid upon the altar of busyness? Are we always to be simply enduring the present in order to achieve the future?
This brings me back to my techne: slow, unhurried, thoroughly enjoyed life, each day, each hour, for its own sake, aiming towards holiness in the long run by faithfulness and growth in the everyday. Though I cannot guarantee the future success of my children (however one may define that), I can give us the space and time to enjoy life right now; splashing in today’s rain puddles, examining this year’s butterflies and roses, going on long walks and feeling this day’s fresh air filling our lungs. Savoring bites of food, starting the day slowly with cuddles, spending a good half hour staring at my newborn’s tiny pink face, and taking my older children out for one-on-one dates where we linger over ethnic foods and connect deeply; these are my techne for not missing the moments that can’t be put off until later, for not missing the now.
This is not to say that there isn’t a place for spurts of busyness; right before an opening night of a play, or a championship game, or helping with charitable events. Feeling a bit breathless and harried is appropriate for such; it’s a special time given special energy; it can be exhilarating, but to live every single day that way? I’d argue that such effort shoots right past its own aim, its own telos; it hurries right past the life it meant to live so well.
So I ask, for whom is this offering of hustling, bustling, hurry? For which generation? It seems we are rushed about all our lives so that we can raise children whom we rush about so that they can raise children whom they can rush about. Is this life? When are we allowed to actually enjoy it? On a yearly vacation, packed with activity itself? When we retire and our bodies which we’ve neglected through inattention to them are ailing and out of shape?
I do not claim to be a better parent than anyone; God knows and I know the limitations and deficiencies I bring to the table, and trust me when I say that I esteem the great love and care that undergird the frantic scheduling folks submit themselves to. I seek only to sound a bit of an alarm, that we might miss life if we sprint through it. We can’t go back and have these days again.
I’ll end with a poem that is of help to me in forming my telos, and thus also, my techne:
Song for a Fifth Child
Mother, O’ Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek – peekaboo.
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew,
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo.
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton